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i want to go to sleep now
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[13 Sep 2008|02:21pm] |
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I deeply believe that everyone secretly wants to be like everybody else. No one would ever dare admit this but every single person wishes it from time to time. I deeply believe this.
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[03 Oct 2007|10:03am] |
TWENTY EIGHT MONTHS!!!!
KISS OUR BUTTS WORLD!!!!!!!
THIRTYSIX IS SOOOO CLOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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[29 Aug 2007|12:24pm] |
i'm in my dorm enjoying tiny things during a tiny break between my new testament class and my physics class.
i have my princeton jacket on and i am eating an apple with peanut butter for lunch. i can see the ticket for the tiny train that will take me home. i am alone i am listening to my favorite songs. these tiny things do not add up to anything, for this reason i hate college, i love lauren.
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[22 Aug 2007|10:19am] |
i hate college.
i hate lakeland.
it's hard to talk to jesus.
i really miss and love and still want to marry lauren b. corona.
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| "Oats are only fit to be fed to horses and Scotsmen." |
[15 Aug 2007|12:24pm] |
today i made the worst bowl of oatmeal i've ever had.
let me give you the background.
lauren called me from work on her break, she was eating chicken wings and corn and macaroni. i wasn't even hungry but after we talked i knew i had to eat.
there's nothing in the house and i was going to make an egg but that just sounded gross.
so i decided to eat oatmeal, the same thing i ate for breakfast today and yesterday. it wasn't great either time but i thought as all christians do that i would perfect it soon. i thought i would be perfect soon.
so i filled the kettle with water and put it on high. normally i let my water boil slow because i'm a purist but today there was some kind of urgency in my gut telling me to put it on high. i wasn't even hungry, i don't understand.
in my cabinet there are two sources of oatmeal, one is a regular tube shaped big container and then there is a box with lots of flavors. i've been thinking about trying these flavors for the past two days but i haven't eaten flavored oatmeal since 9th grade. i dug my hand down up to my elbow looking for flavors, "apple and cinnamon", "maple syrup and brown sugar", and "banana bread" were some of the choices on the box. banana bread could not be found though which must mean that i really liked it in 9th grade.
after looking in the box for a good five minutes i decided to, because i'm a purist and all, to make my own flavoring of oatmeal that would match or trump the existing flavors. i chose the tube with regular flavoring. my kettle was still not boiling.
i poured out some oatmeal into my bowl and proceeded getting to work to wreck havok on my taste buds in the near future. i dropped destruction into this bowl like the united states dropped the atom bomb on hiroshima. first i put in a tried, true and tested ingredient: cinnamon sugar. so far, all right. then i put nutmeg.
i had left the top of the oatmeal tube open and on the inside there was a conveiniently disasterous recipe for vanishing oatmeal cookies. my eyes scanned this and all they saw was 1 teaspoon vanilla. in my hungry-not-really-hungry mind i thought yes! this is going to make my oatmeal taste like oatmeal cookies! i got out a teaspoon and filled it with pure vanilla extract, which had some alcohol in it. just enough to make me want to write this disaster out.
after pouring the vanilla in i remembered two things. one, was that the 1 teaspoon vanilla was probably intended for a much larger batch of oatmeal than i had in my bowl and two, that my mom had made these cookies before and they were not good. they were horrible truth, so bad that lauren and i could only eat four of them. fortunately my mom didn't ask us if we liked them because, well, we'd have to shame the devil and let her know.
my water was boiling and i poured it on top of my oats. i mixed it up, an earthquake happened in japan, i tasted it, and brakes failed the whole county over. these were bad oats. i thought, becuse i'm a christian, that i could make the situation better so i added some blueberry compote i made when lauren was gone and some plain yogurt. i had made the worst bowl of oatmeal ever. i made some instant coffee, i walked to my room and i ate it all.
"Aye! That's why Scotland has the best men, and England the best horses."
i am not scottish, i'm not even a horse.
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[15 Aug 2007|10:28am] |
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i feel so..oh i don't know. what's the word?
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[15 Jul 2007|07:08pm] |
the summer i first lauren, 2005, i went with my mother and grandmother to new york. lauren had just cut my hair in her backyard a week or two before we left. it was hot, coney island is all run down. one day we took a train to boston. we went through rhode island.
i loved rhode island because it was very foggy and the towns looked so cool. the houses had that kind of trailer wood on them but they were two stories. in the cities there were alot of red brick factories.
i was so bowled over with lauren that i thought about being married and living there with her in an abandoned factory that we could rent on the cheap. we had only known each other about a month and a half, we weren't even dating. i thought that there probably weren't going to be any showers in there so we'd have to go to the local nazarene church to take them. i thought we'd be poor. i wanted to go to berkeley back then for music so i thought i'd take the train every morning (the train i was riding while thinking this) to go to school. we'd be living in providence.
i really like how coffee tastes without sugar but with milk. i eat alot of magos this summer because our tree had a good crop. i probably play the piano more than any other instrument, but i still can't read music.
i still think this idea is cool but it faded out of our possible paths a while ago. i'd live in providence in a rented loft with lauren. i guess this marriage idea has been in my head a long time.
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[14 Jul 2007|09:39pm] |
i don't want this to be a show or like a confession but:
i want to be a real christian so from now on no more lies or masks.
jesus is real so i want to be real, he is answering so much prayer and do so much right now.
if i could let you all FEEL my heart and see how real he is i would but that sounds painful and germy. but i know jesus would let you feel his heart, so do that. do it to me too, actually, i need it.
i really miss lauren.
she is so much more than a footnote in this post and so much more than a footnote in my life.
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[07 Jul 2007|11:05am] |
these are some things i was thinking about the other day while working with my dad at his shop on jaguars and land rovers and rubbing elbows with miami's elite:
lauren and i really spend a ton of time together, it's very hard and different to not see her everyday.
icelandic naming conventions. if you are a boy and your dad's first name is nick and your first name is richard then your full name will be richard nicksson. your last name showing that you are nick's son. if your daughter's name is thelma then her name will be thelma nicksdottir.
i was thinking about the differences between the words tentatively and another word i forgot..
my dad is a very smart person and i really look up to him, not because i want to be like him but because he's the greatest at what he does.
i like working and getting dirty.
i probably wash my hands at least 30 times a day.
mosquitos are harder to catch and kill in coral gables than they are down here.
i wish all buses were free like the coral gables trolley.
i love the color of lauren's hair.
the bible is really good early in the morning.
i do not like mcdonalds anything but my dad stops there every morning to buy coffee. i either get a coffee or and orange juice.
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| almost blue |
[24 Jun 2007|10:08pm] |
i want to go to the south dade library by cutler ridge mall because that's the one i went to as a kid. i want to stand there for a little bit, don't really have a reason i just want to. one thing that i like about miami is that its like it's stuck in the 80's/early 90's because all the signs and designs on everything city owned was all implemented back then and they haven't changed it. the designs on the bus, the drawings downtown and the south-dade library. it has a really bright light green alligator obviously from the 90's with signs of people like denzel washington and samuel l jackson from along time ago telling you to read. i still have my first library card, i refuse to update.
there's alot that i want to accomplish in my life and i don't feel like waiting.
somedays i feel like defeat. i have this picture in my head of a mountain and the word insermountable shows up in big white letters. i got that from a pearl jam song on a cd i bought in 8th or 9th grade, it had a black cover with a transposed drawing or something. but there was a line in there about insermountable odds and i always thought of a mountain full of snow because i always thought it'd be harder to climb snow than green fluffy soft grass. i feel like that is what's ahead sometimes and then i picture in my heart like a movie where the charater feels so defeated he falls to his knees, but i've never ever done that in real life.
i'm really young you know? only 17 and well i usually think this after i have that defeated feeling. i feel really excitied about my life, i mean think of how i'll have to go through to get old when i'm on my deathbed, think how much living i'll have done. that's really excited, i might not even get to my death bed, jesus might come back before then. sooo there's alot of exciting things that i'm really excited for. marriage. children. jesus.
heck yeah. HECK YEAH!!!!
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[19 Jun 2007|01:27pm] |
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summer is good. lauren and i have taken up swimming, we hang out pretty much every day. i'll be working with my dad in his shop again. jesus is great, i don't change my clothes that often. i usually shower at least once a day, sometimes twice. i shave semi-regularly but i like it better when i don't. things are hard and they are going to get harder and but for right now i'm happy. being me is kind of like being in a movie right now but definetly not a box-office blockbuster or anything, more of a good movie that moves slow.
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[31 May 2007|11:10pm] |
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when i'm home i look in the mirror and pretend i'm in a tee vee show where they break down the fourth wall that seperates the audience from the actors and talk about whatever is going on in my life right now. kind of like malcom in the middle or the wonder years. i make jokes, i pretend i beat people up, i practice talking to people and (my favorite) i air drum. i do this everyday. i air drum to every song i love. i air drum so much that i think that if i had a real drum set i could really play it.
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[20 Mar 2007|06:01pm] |
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I LOVE YOU LAUREN CORONA, NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE AND NO MATTER WHERE I AM. YOU ARE THE BOMB AND YOU MAKE ME EXPLODE! BOOM!!!!!! I LOVE YOU MY SECRET HANDSHAKER!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!
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[01 Mar 2007|05:46pm] |
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i'm begining to see a really strange cycle in my life, but i think i'm still the same so maybe this has been going on for along time. i don't really find myself getting sad anymore i just get really tired and then i need to be picked up and held and after that i feel alright. i wonder if i will ever get out of that cycle and be able to be all right all the time. i think you call that peace or the joy of the lord, i want that.
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| my life, high school and beyond, in a century. |
[03 Feb 2007|08:38pm] |
If God Himself gave me a century minus 60 years so that makes 40 years
I know that every 10 of those years would be like one year because I know
That 1 year would feel like 10, which would be make those 40 years 4 years
He’d take the 60 years first and I’d be playing around in infancy and puberty
But after that was over I’d go into those last 40 years that God gave me and
I wouldn’t know what to do it with it really but I can guess that
I’d probably die in the first half of boredom
Or want to die at least
I’d find my own true love in the second half
Living in seclusion with her and books that we share
And a God, that we share with the entire world,
That loves us and cares for us and plans our lives
While we sit back and enjoy His love and grace and
Do good things for people and bad things to each other
Those last fourty years were called High School
I didn't like the name but that's what God named those years
I'm called Nicholas I don't like the name but that's what my parents called me
I wouldn’t plan this, but I can guess that I’d
Be forced into an exile for a century minus 90 years so that’s 10
And I’d hate those who put me there
I’d struggle the rest of my life with loving the ones who exiled me
But when I get called out of that wilderness I’d go right back
To where I lived in the last century, take my own true love
And move to the Promise Land where my own true love
Could paint things with titles like “Self-Portrait of the Artist as a Young Woman”
And “Nicholas, My Own True Love (The boy that took me as a Wife and led me to the Promised Land, Hand in Hand) and we could be happy and satisfied but never content
And share books, and our bodies with each other and Jesus Christ with the rest of the world and making love would just be worship to God.
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[10 Jan 2007|09:59pm] |
i am not excited about college, i do not think it will satisfy me and i don't know why. maybe i need to change my attitude about it, because i do like learning. i just don't like college. i'm sure i'll either drop out or fall in love with it. i like the idea of having a degree and i do sorta like the idea of being a teacher. i probably wouldn't go to college if i didn't have to, and the truth is i really don't because there are alot of things that i want to do that you just can't get a degree in. i don't think not going to college is for losers and i don't think it sets anyone up for a bad life.
teaching is the only real career i'd be interested in and maybe being a pastor but i think i'd work better in the lower levels of ministry.
this journal entry reminds me of a real journal, it's not totally unfiltered, but it's not a response to anything and it's just me thinking inquiet (outloud) and typing it out, it's 10 and i'm going to sleep and i feel really good about that. 8 hours of sleep is a great source of joy in life.
wouldn't it be weird if our parents read our journals? i'm sure we'd all get spanked a few times.
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[03 Jan 2007|02:35am] |
My last post consisted of my honest hopes, desires and fears. I don't want to be arrogant about anything and I'm trying my best to be humble.
I know the whole world isn't against me. I don't know everyone in the world right now, but I'm hoping one day I can. What a priveledge that'd be: to say "The whole world is against me!" or "The whole world supports me!" or "The whole world is indifferent!" or "The whole world has mixed opinions about me!" and not be telling a lie.
I want to be voluntarily-humble not that kind of forcibly-humble that comes from extreme introspection and the realization of how wrong you were, or from bad experiences, neglegance on my part and, again, just being wrong.
But I don't think I'm wrong.
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[02 Jan 2007|01:44am] |
to everyone, even you:
I am marrying Lauren Corona and no one is going to tell me no, that it is a dumb idea, that i am too young, that we will not make it and that it can't be done.
I'm not saying that it will be easy or that I won't need help, I know I used to be arrogant about this, but I know that we will need Jesus and many other people to help us.
What I am saying is that I am going to do it even if you don't think I should. I want support and I want approval and I want people to believe in us, but if you don't then I can't stop just for you. I wouldn't stop, even if I could, if you don't approve because you're not getting married, I am.
I'm not afraid and the strength I have is from God. I am hopeful and optimistic about the future because in God good things abound.
that's all i have to say to everyone.
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[23 Dec 2006|10:15pm] |
i know it doesn't feel like christmas, but i really want to love christmas this year!
I LOVE YOU CHRISTMAS, GET COLD, NEVER GROW UP!
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willieshandjive's journal